Mock the weak

Jimmy Campbell-Smith

I READ one of those glossy magazines the other day, the sort that Talulah-misha from the hairdressers is always gossiping about. In order to simplify their production process, they may as well photo-shop a picture of a burly thug called Barry from Skidrow-on-Sea with a needle in his arm choking Prince Harry whilst zooming in on his sweat patches (either him or the thug) and Harry calling him some pejorative term, whilst Tom Kidman and Bruce Craig look on, seemingly interested. 

They truly are the single most execrable thing published since, oh something in the region of The Official Biography of Bruce Forsyth. The most insulting thing is to the reader, who is seemingly guided by little hints of gossip gold through little ‘hints’ about what is on the next page: ‘WHO’s got a sweat patch?? Look on the next page to find out!’ Does this instantly make you turn the page, drooling with eager anticipation to find out? Or is it simply the fact that the people reading them are so stupid, like, frontal lobotomy stupid, that they forget to turn the page? 

I assume that worryingly, they are somewhere between the two. Or maybe I am being too much of an exegete about this. Maybe it is just to make the whole process of reading more ‘exciting’. Either way it baffles me and I shall never read one again unless god forbid, I am the subject of it. 

Talking of subjects, I was thoroughly amused to sit in the middle of the two demonstrating packs the other day, and instantly one thing sprang into my head – why on earth the bloody Socialists had to get involved with it. Why? The closest thing Israel or Palestine has to socialism is Mossad. Who were ruthless bastards, just like the KGB. Otherwise this has nothing to do with them. Nothing. I think those totalitarian tools just like a good ‘anti-establishment’ gig to show each other their crappy conceptual art and chant with each other. 

I mean, really, the bugger screaming down the microphone last week was chanting the same thing for about three hours. You would have thought that they would be able to think up some fresh lyrics! Personally, something along the lines of ‘Feel da riddym, feel da rhyme, step on up, it’s socialism time!’ would have been not only more enjoyable but one damn site better than the tripe they were spilling out. Next time I see the Socialists I shall mention to them the (I am sure annoying) truth that they just jump on the backs of any old protest for the fun of it. 

Maybe they just want more friends. I mean they are not stupid, just very ignorant and annoyingly opinionated people. I know it’s cynical but I really do hate the delusion of socialism. I’m not a Nazi but anyone who has for ten minutes looked at socialism or communism will realize it just cannot work. And as I do a history degree, I have spent significantly more than ten minutes on it. 

To put it this way, they gave me a flyer with Lenin on it the other day. Lenin. He was responsible for the brutal murder of hundreds of thousands of people, simply for being non-Communists. Or Trotsky. He introduced ‘decimation’ – the random killing of one man in every ten if orders failed.

Just give it up before you actually get a realistic view of this silly idea and get very embarrassed.